just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
