I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
