i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You need a sexual gate keeper
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
