Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
