Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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