i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
