I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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