Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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