i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
