I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
