I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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