I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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