Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
