Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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