plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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