Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
