Swine flu is the new snow day.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I think my moral compass just broke
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