I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
