Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
