Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize