wat bout pragnant strippers??
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
