There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
