can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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