I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
