They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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