I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
