There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
