so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
