I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
