someone threw a dead crab at me
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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