I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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