Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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