she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
