I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize