Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
