mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You brought string cheese to the strip club
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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