Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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