At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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