a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Oh god it's open bar.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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