It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
