Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
