never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
50% drunk capacity currently
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
