Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
