I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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