So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
