if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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