I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
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