tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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