So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
