I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
