I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
