see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
