He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
