everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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