Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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