no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Is Oprah even human
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
