birth control should be required to get into college
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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