Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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