I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
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