swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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